it's two days before mother's day, and i just took a pregnancy test. positive!!!! positive, positive, positive!!! i called the ob office right away. of course, they won't accept the results of a home pregnancy test so i have to go in for a blood test. i don't go until monday. how am i ever going to make it through the weekend knowing that i'm probably pregnant, and just need confirmation? plus, mother's day is on sunday. am i technically a mother now? do i get to celebrate? it's going to be so hard not to tell people.
three days later....yup, pregnant! i just got off the phone with the doctor's office and they confirmed it. my due date is january 15. okay, so it's not before christmas, but it's close. maybe it will be fun to be pregnant at christmas. we should get tons of gifts for the baby right? i thought they would want to see me right away, so i was really surprised when she said that they don't do your first ob visit until 8 weeks. she said that things are so touch and go up until then that they always wait. i know miscarriages happen, but i'm young and healthy, so it shouldn't be a problem. i'm not worried. i still won't tell anyone though. we don't plan to tell anyone until 3 months. that's standard procedure right? don't tell anyone until you're through the first trimester because that's when most miscarriages happen.
8 weeks later.....i just had my first ob visit! the midwife said that everything looked great. god, i can't believe this. i'm pregnant. i'm going to have a baby. this is just so bizarre. am i really ready for this? what if i suck at being a mother? i've actually never really been good with kids. i always feel awkward around them, and it seems like they don't like being around me. jay is great with kids. it's actually kind of annoying. they always gravitate toward him, and then they look at me like i'm from another planet....then they start to cry. what if my own kid feels this way about me? why do kids like jay and not me?
i wonder what kind of a mother i will be. i wonder if i'll be strict, or if i'll cave in all the time and end up having a kid that walks all over me. i wonder if this baby is a boy or a girl! jesus christ, 9 months is a long time! i can't believe i have to go through 9 months of being pregnant. that's like almost a year! what the hell am i supposed to do for almost a year? it's the only thing that occupies my mind. i can't think about anything else, i can't focus at work, all i can do is wonder about what it's going to be like to have a baby.
i have so many plans in my head. i already know what sports i want it to do, what instruments it's going to play, how i'm going to dress it, what i'm going to try to teach it. i want to be a good mom so badly. i just don't know how. i don't know anything about this.
anyway, i have an appointment at the beginning of july for an NT test (neucaltranslucency...but i have not idea how to spell that..NT sounds good). i guess this is an early screening for neural tube defects. i don't plan on telling anyone until after i get the results of that test.