i'm baaaaack!!!! it's been three months since i've been off the pill, i'm on my way to the ob office to check in. i've been taking my vitamins, i'm ready to get my green light and have a baby!
when i get there they tell me that the midwife i had seen last time is out on some kind of medical leave, so i'm going to be seeing a different midwife. whatever, that's fine. i'll need to meet them all at some point because you never know who is going to deliver your baby. i wait in the office...a little nervous, anxious, excited...
so the new midwife comes in and this is how the conversation goes:
midwife: "well, none of us can figure out why you're here."
me (shocked and taken aback): "when i came in back in september the midwife told me to come back in three months to check in after i had been off the pill and taking my vitamins. sort of to get the go ahead signal to start trying."
midwife: "well, you really don't need to be here. just go have sex and get pregnant."
we talked for a little while longer and at the end of the appointment she had made me feel so stupid. she basically told me that i was being overly dramatic and overly anxious. fine...the overly anxious part i'll give you. i've always been an anxious person, it's just my nature. but i left there with steam coming out the top of my head. i was so mad. here i was, thinking that i was being a smart, responsible person...not just impulsive and saying "oh, i think i want to have a baby now". i was trying so hard to do the right thing, and she made me feel like an idiot. she kept telling me that i was worrying for no reason. i was young, healthy, didn't drink, smoke, do drugs, etc and so everything would be fine. i wish i had had the balls then to tell her where to shove it. side note...about a year and a half later i read in the paper that she got arrested for drunk driving.
i hope no one is bored with my story so far. please keep in mind that i've got four years to cover here. these first few posts are just the way the whole thing started out. "whole thing" being the past four years of my life...four babies, only one living.
i've learned so much in the last four years. i wish i could go back to my young 24-year-old self and give myself a good slap for being so ignorant and naive. i want so badly to know if i'm the only idiot out there. i certainly knew about miscarriage, my mom had had one in between my sister and me. but once you get through the first trimester you're golden right? babies used to die back in the 1800's and whatnot, but not now...we have modern medicine. a NICU? what the hell is that? i've never heard of it.
am i alone in my ignorance? please, somebody tell me i'm not. even if it's just a lie to make me feel better, i just don't want to feel so stupid. was my ignorance justified? i never saw anything on tv or in the movies about a baby dying. the midwives never even mentioned that it was a possibility. the entire time i was pregnant with my first son they told me the same thing over and over..."you're young, you're healthy, everything is going to be fine". that is verbatim what they said. did other people know not to pin all their hopes and dreams on the baby they were carrying? did other people know to be cautious?
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