the day after our fateful ultrasound i was a wreck. i can't think, i can't concentrate at work. i have to somehow pretend that everything is okay because i don't want to tell anyone what is going on. i don't even know what is going on, how am i supposed to tell anyone. by the time i get home from work i lose it. i was crying, i had barely eaten anything all day because i was so sick to my stomach with fear. jay is trying so hard to keep me from having a breakdown. he made spaghetti because he said i needed to eat something. he said i'm still pregnant and that i can't give up on this baby. i got down only a few bites, and then i got sick and threw it up. i'm just so scared. i've literally made myself physically sick with worry.
a few days later we went for the amniocentesis to test for the condition that causes heart tumors. it will take a few weeks to get the results back. in a few short days, i have completely changed. i don't want to know the sex of the baby, i don't want to see it on the monitor, i don't want to feel close to it because if i get too close and attached i won't be able to handle it if something happens.
two weeks later, i had another appointment with the fetal cardiologist. the story is still pretty much the same. he doesn't seem as worried though. he said that he still doesn't see any sign of an irregular heartbeat. the bright spot still doesn't look like a tumor to him, and the potential hole he won't know anything more until it is born. he reassures me, and says that things are looking fairly optimistic. he has me schedule one more appointment for a few weeks later with his collegue.
so now it's just a waiting game. waiting to find out the results of the amniocentesis, waiting for the next appointment with the cardiologist, waiting. waiting and waiting.
i really hate waiting.