i have my second ultrasound today. we're really hoping that they will be able to tell us the sex. after the appointment we're going to go to target to go baby shopping! i don't even really know what we're going to need. a crib i assume, clothes, diapers, a swing maybe, a car seat. ugh, this could actually be pretty expensive.
something really bad happened this morning at work. when i got there, there was an ambulance in the parking lot. when i got into the building they told me that one of the older guys that worked there had had a heart attack and died. i was shocked. i can't even imagine...his poor family. it really really upset me, even though i didn't know him that well. it started out so bad, and it really made me think...there is death, but there is also life. this man died today, but my baby is in me and kicking around. there is a new life in there.
we got to the ultrasound and the tech started doing her thing. this was the first time that jay has seen the baby. he was amazed. she scanned me for a while, then she went and got the doctor. at that point in my journey, i didn't know that going to get the doctor meant that there was something wrong. the doctor came in and started scanning me. he was extremely quiet, so i finally asked if everything was okay.
"there may be a problem with the baby's heart."
that was all. he didn't say anything else for what seemed like hours. what an asshole. you're going to throw out that statement and then just let us sit there for 10 minutes while you play with your equipment and not say a word to us? finally jay got pissed off and asked what was going on. the doctor seemed annoyed. but, he started to tell us what he was seeing. he said that he was seeing an irregular heartbeat, and that he saw a "bright spot" on the heart which may be a tumor.
please no. please don't let this be happening.
he started telling us a few theories as to what it could be, all of which seemed to have bad outcomes. he said that if there was a problem with the heartbeat that the baby might need a pacemaker by the time it's 5 years old. he said though that it would probably still be able to run and play and lead a semi-normal life. he didn't know about the bright spot though. if it's a tumor, the baby could have a rare disorder where there are tumors on the heart. i don't even remember if he said that it could survive. he said that if we wanted to end the pregnancy that they would do that for us. i'm 20 weeks now, and i only have up until 24 weeks to terminate. why does he seem to be so eager to do this? but first we needed to go see a fetal cardiologist. we needed to see someone who specialized in this.
he left the room and i went to the bathroom to clean off the ultrasound goop. i came back out and jay was crying. i've never seen him so scared. he just said, "that's our baby". i felt sick to my stomach. this can't be happening. i don't even know what's happening right now. the nurse came back in and said that she was actually able to get us an appointment with the fetal cardiologist now, so we had to get over there fast before their office closed.
we went over to the fetal cardiologist's office. we didn't say a word to each other the entire card ride. we got there and he did the same scanning. he watched the heart for a very long time, then he took us into his office and told us what he saw. he said that he couldn't see at all the irregular beat that the first doctor had seen. he said he watched it for a good 45 minutes and never saw it, so he wasn't convinced that there was an irregular heartbeat. he said that he did see the bright spot, but at this point it doesn't look like a tumor to him. he said it might just be a calcium deposit. he said it's a little early to tell because things are still quite small on the screen, so in the meantime i should have an amniocentesis to test for this disorder that causes tumors in the heart. then he said that there may potentially be a hole in the heart. again, it's too early to tell. he said that there is naturally a hole in the heart during development, but then once the baby is born the hole closes on its own.
he told us that we need to come back in two weeks. he said that it's amazing how much more he'll be able to tell then because it will just be bigger.
i feel sick. jay thinks that it doesn't sound as awful as the first doctor made it sound, but i don't think i can handle this. i can't wait two weeks to find out what's going on.
i'm scared.
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