big C did something for me today that no one has done yet. she had me hold my son. it's been over three weeks since he was born and all i've gotten to do so far is watch him lay there. they let me change his diapers most of the time...and that's it. that's the only way i can take care of my son. so today big C asked if i had been able to hold him yet. i told her no. she said, "come on, you're going to hold your baby". i was so apprehensive. i told her that i was too scared to hold him because i was afraid that he would de-sat. she said to me very frankly "that baby needs to be held. hold your son." so she brought the rocking chair in, brought in respiratory care so they could help hold the vent tubes, and after about 10 minutes of preparation, she took him out of his what-ever-you-call it and put him in my arms. and my fears came true...he started to freak out and started de-sating badly. she had to put him back and they had to airbag him. i was crushed. my son didn't even know me. he didn't even want me to hold him. we have had ZERO bonding....why wouldn't he freak out? this strange person is trying to hold him. once big C had his O2 saturation back under control she said we should try again. are you kidding me??? did you not see what just happened? i really didn't want to because i was so terrified, but she insisted. so she sat me down, and put him back in my arms. he didn't freak out! he actually opened his eyes and looked right at me. it was like it was the first time we had seen each other...the first time we had met. i cried. i was finally holding my baby. something most people get to do within five minutes of delivering, but took me three weeks to do. i said to him..."i know you're never going to remember this moment, but i always will". it was the happiest day of my life. better than my wedding day, better than the day he was born, better than any day i had ever had. we were able to sit there for about 3-5 minutes before he started to fuss again and his O2 started to drop. so big C had to take him back and get his O2 stabilized.
and that was it...i know it doesn't sound like much, and i know in reality it really wasn't much at all. but it was a moment i'll always remember. i was so filled with hope and love.
and now i am starting to cry and have another breakdown, so i have to end this post. there must be some cleaning i have to do right? anything to distract me from the memories that i have had to bury so deeply.