strong warning about this post: you're either going to love it or hate it. if you have lost a baby and are anything like me when it comes to anger, this post might be for you. if not, you may not want to read any further...
well, today was mother's day. mother's day...over the past four years those words, and this day has come to mean so many different things to me. i think that you could use nearly every human emotion to describe how i have felt about this day.
let's call a spade a spade here...grief is a fucking bitch. it is ugly, it is nasty, it fills you with emotions you had no idea you could feel. i never knew how desperately i could want to just die until my first mother's day as a mother. it was horrible. it was unbearable. Charlie had died, and nobody on this earth could possibly understand the depths of my pain. everyone i talked to tried to make me feel better about it, and all i wanted was to feel worse. i thought that if i just felt bad enough i would actually die, and then it would be over. i saw commercial after commercial advertising heartfelt messages about mother's day. how could they do that to me? how could they bring me so low? how could they stand there and advertise cards and flowers for mothers, showing pictures of mothers holding babies and chasing around kids. nobody even knew i was a mother. and those who did know that i had given birth to a son and watched him slowly die didn't think of me as a mother. it seemed that everyone around me thought that in order to qualify as a mother you had to have a living baby. and i couldn't do this. i had nothing. i was empty and lifeless.
i watched ellen's mother's day special on saturday (again....dvr). the main reason i watched it was because i wanted to see if that by some one in a million chance she might read the letter i had sent her asking her to wish loss moms a happy mothers day. as soon as it started, i saw the audience full of pregnant women and i thought to myself "well, you did it to me again you stupid bitch". i could barely watch. i had to fast forward through just about everything. did you see all the baby stuff she gave all of them? it was insane. it made me want to blow up my tv. these were all first time moms. let me give you a little reality check...to come home after your baby has died and see the bassinet waiting, and the car seat locked in place, and know that they will never be used by your baby is a trauma that will haunt you until the day you die. when you have to pick out an outfit for your baby to be buried in, you will never wish for death to take you more than at that moment. you fools. you god damn fools. you have no idea. you are living in lala land while some of us will be walking through hell on earth for the rest of our life. my message to every pregnant woman out there...don't buy a thing. you don't need it. if your baby comes out healthy and ready to go home in two days, all you really need are diapers, wipes, food, and a few clothes, all of which your partner can get while you're in the hospital, and some of which some hospitals will even give you when you leave. savor your baby...not the merchandise.
i know every person that reads this is thinking that i'm nothing but a jealous bitch. and you're right. i am. i'm angry, i'm jealous, i'm mad. it is not fair. the first time moms on ellen's show were bouncing around and dancing. my first pregnancy, i was in so much pain i cried at night and thought i wouldn't make it one more day. my second pregnancy, i could have easily died. my third pregnancy, i was on bedrest for three months. pregnancy has never been a happy thing for me. it has been nothing but a nightmare filled with fear, and hopes that 3 out of 4 times were crushed.
and you know what i hate most of all? i just can't get over it. everyone probably thinks i need to shut up and quit whining and complaining. but i can't. get. over. it. i have LS now. and he is the reason i get up in the morning. he's the reason that for the first time since january 2008 i have wanted to die. he's everything to me. but i still want my other three babies. i want his siblings. i want the chaos in my house of having four boys. i want to be a happy pregnant person because that's all i see around me. i want something that i will never have. and some days i still just can't accept that i can't have it.
so for now, i'm breaking up with ellen again. i thought i was in a better place and would be able to handle the insensitivity, but obviously i'm not. obviously i can't cope with someone rubbing it in my face that there are hundreds of happy pregnant women out there.
i have a healthy baby. i have a living son. i tell him every day that i couldn't love him any more even if i tried. today i could go out in public on mother's day and people knew that i was a mom. and there is no better feeling in the world than seeing his face light up and his arms flail when i walk up to his crib every morning. i love you LS. i owe my life to you.