i think most of my now 6 followers have come to my blog from Maddie's site. so, assuming that that's true, we all know what today is. it's the anniversary of Maddie's death. i've been posting some comments on her site, but today i just didn't feel right about commenting. there is so much i want to say, but at the same time i have absolutely nothing to say. usually when i comment i use my own experience and say the things that i feel and/or wish people had said to me. i do this because i'm very adamant about the fact that NOBODY knows a person's situation except for the individual themselves. i think that i can relate to a lot of the things they feel, but i feel very arrogant giving advice. so, that's why i just try to tell my own experience. but i just felt so selfish talking about myself today on their site, so i'm using my own site to say how i feel.
i'm absolutely heart broken for them. i don't know them at all, never talked to them, never emailed them, nothing. but, i feel like i'm somehow on this journey with them and reading their words today makes me absolutely cringe. i understand....and i don't understand. mike talked about being haunted by the memories of their last seconds together. everyday, i relive Charlie and the Twins dying. i remember every second of it. i remember it so well that i have to ignore it because if i actually allowed myself to feel it i would never get out of bed again. heather talked about the fact that she is just not okay. neither am i. i pride myself in the fact that i put on a good show, but deep down, i'm never going to be okay again. my son is dead. my twins are dead. they're fucking dead and there's not a god damn thing i can do about it. and having to live with that the rest of my life is sometimes more than i can bear. i understand that part of their grief. but i don't understand what it would be like to lose a child that is a year and a half old. this whole time i've been very adamant about the fact that a loss at birth is just as painful as a loss at 6 weeks, which is just as painful as a loss at 2 year, or 20 years. but is it? realistically, is it? i want to believe that yes, it is. i want to believe this because to not believe it would somehow downplay or dismiss the pain and the significance of the loss. i have heard many times, "oh, it was just a miscarriage". just a miscarriage? fuck you. you know nothing. but as LS gets older, i can see where the thought of losing him gets scarier and scarier. when we leave the house i look at his toys laying all over the floor, and i think about heather and mike going home to toys laying on the floor that will never be used again by Maddie. i always think about this. i see the way i leave my house, assuming that i will come home, put LS down on the floor and he'll start eating his wiggle worm. i look at the clothes hanging in his closet, i look at his laundry hamper full to the brim and think that i really need to do a wash. i can't even begin to imagine coming home without him. it's a thought that terrifies me so much that sometimes i can't breathe. so maybe the older the child is when they pass, the more painful it really is. i don't know....i just don't know. i think that it's very different. i lost Charlie after 8 weeks in the NICU. i lost my Twins at 16 and 18 weeks gestation. the pain of Charlie dying is very different from the pain of the Twins dying. i have MEMORIES of Charlie. i got to know him for 8 weeks. 8 weeks that i wish everyday that i could go back to. i have nothing from the Twins. absolutely nothing. i didn't know their personalities, i didn't know what they looked like, i have no memories that i can access to help dull the pain a little. our time with Charlie in the NICU was hell on earth. but i can still remember him, and how he made me laugh sometimes. he made me cry everyday, but he also made me smile everyday. i don't have that with the Twins.
so is it more painful to lose an older child than one that hasn't even be able to start life yet? i don't know. i don't think anyone knows. i think it's different. for better or for worse, it's just different.
my heart goes out to you heather and mike. i know you probably don't read this, but if you do, i'm just so sorry. i'll wear purple today.