Side Note: i know i haven't posted in a while. all my reasons are pretty lame...tired, busy, can't stop my neurotic self from cleaning...yet my house still looks like a pig sty. and then the other reason was that a few weeks ago i was getting really upset, and i was trying to decide if blogging was helping or hurting my emotional state. still haven't figured it out. i thought i wanted to get my story off my chest and say all the things i've been feeling for four years but have never said aloud, but i just don't know....sometimes it seems like it just makes me feel worse. so, i'm still working on figuring out if blogging is good for me or not. i'll keep you....POSTED.....hahahaha....i am so freaking funny.
i had a little run-in today with Charlie's nurse. backing up...a couple weeks after Charlie was born, they just couldn't figure out what was going on so they brought in a genetics doctor and had him do an assessment. he made a report and threw out the names of a few different genetic disorders that Charlie might possibly have, all of which he has been tested for and the results are pending. as soon as they told me what he had said, i wrote down then name of each disorder and then i sprinted back to RMH and started looking stuff up on the internet. that was one of the biggest mistakes i could have made. i spent all night on the internet looking up these disorders. nearly all of them ended in death. if they didn't end in death, the outcomes were severe mental and physical disabilities. i cried. and then i cried some more, and then some more. i refused to believe that Charlie had any of these disorders. it was horrible. i scared myself nearly to death with out-of-control thoughts of how Charlie's life might be. i vowed after having yet another breakdown that i would never do that again. i will never get on the internet and read all sorts of horrible things unless i know for sure that that is what we are dealing with.
so, today there was a new nurse on Charlie when i walked into the NICU. she seemed okay at first, but then she started talking. here's what she said to me...."i read dr. ___'s report, and saw that your son might have a genetic disorder. i'm thinking of signing up to be one of his primary nurses. i'm really interested in this kind of stuff, so whenever there is a case like this i try to jump right on it." I. WAS. PISSED. this is my son you're talking about. he is not "an interesting case". he's not a learning tool. he's not a science experiment. that's why you want to be his primary? because he might have a genetic disorder? maybe you should re-evaluate your motives. maybe you should pick your primary babies based on compassion and love for the baby and/or parents...not just who is most interesting.
of course, as we all know, i'm a wuss, and i never actually say how i feel or what i'm thinking (unless it is through the anonymity of a blog), so i didn't say anything to her about how offended i was by her insensitivity. so then at the end of her shift she said "well, i printed out some information about each disorder that dr. ___ mentioned, do you want it?". and i said "do we know for sure that that is what is wrong with him?". her: "well, no". me: "then no, i don't want it". she seemed to be offended by this and left pretty quickly. she has no idea the torture i put myself through last night doing exactly what she was trying to get me to do. been there. done that. never doing it again.
that was the last time she was on Charlie. being a bitch may have some advantages yet...nobody wants to deal with me.
on a happier note, big C signed up to be one of Charlie's primary nurses!!! i didn't hold back at all when it came to making my desires to have her as a primary known. i told everyone. i even asked her to sign up for him. i like big C. she is good to me, and more importantly she is good to Charlie. i think she loves him. i think she wants to be his primary because he is an amazing baby and she loves him and wants to take care of him. and that is the kind of person i want to watch my son when i can't.