well, i knew it was going to happen at some point. up until now big C hadn't been on Charlie, but today she was. when i walked in the nursery and saw her there at his pod, i thought..."ohhhhhh boy...here we go". this woman just really scares the crap out of me. she runs a DAMN tight ship, and i'm so scared of messing up....and i did....my cell phone went off while i was sitting there with Charlie. shit. i knew i was supposed to have it turned off, but i just forgot, and with everyone wanting to know how he's doing and what's going on, i had it on. "YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE THAT ON IN HERE!!!!!".
so after she yelled at me, i started to get to know her a little better. remember how i told you about that poor baby next to Charlie? i feel so sorry for him. story goes that his mother had decided to give him up for adoption before he was born. then, he had a stroke in the womb right before he was born. they said that she had decided to give him up before she knew anything about the stroke, and i just hope and pray that that is true. but this poor baby didn't even have a name. they were just calling it baby ___(insert last name). so big C said that she named him. she said, "that baby needs a name, so i named him David". i thought that was really nice. every baby deserves a name. i think big C has kind of taken David under her wing. she has signed up to be his primary nurse. side note: in this NICU every baby has at least one or two primary nurses. it seems like the nurses a lot of times get to chose what babies they want for their primaries. so far Charlie has one primary nurse that does the evening shift, and one that does the midnight shifts. both are so nice and i love both of them.
so anyway, since big C is David's primary now, she will be in our pod most of the time. looks like big C and i are going to get to know each other pretty well...
things have been really hard. jay is still trying to work, so he spends most of the week back home while i stay here at RMH. then he comes up on the weekends. he does come a few nights during the week just for a couple hours. luckily his boss has been extremely understanding about the situation and has been giving him a lot of time off. thank god for RMH. i don't know what i would do without it. where would i stay? there's no way we could afford a hotel every night, and meals on top of that. i would hate having to drive to the hospital every day from home -- it's an hour and 20 minutes one way.
Charlie has had a few visitors. my mom has been amazing about coming up whenever she can. the thing i love about my mom is that she's pretty easy to please, and i never feel like i have to entertain her. she knows that i just want to stay with Charlie, so she's perfectly content to sit there with me for 8-10 hours at a rip. she reads, knits, sometimes dozes a little. it's nice to have some company.
Charlie still isn't improving. it's been a few weeks now and he's not making the progression that we all were expecting. i'm starting to get really worried about the long term effects of being on a vent. they said that babies can handle vents for a little while, but if they're on them too long they can suffer permanent lung damage. the longer he's on it, the worse things look. they can also suffer eye damage from being on oxygen for so long. everyone keeps telling me that the NICU is a roller coaster ride. there are a lot of ups and downs, but for us so far, there haven't been very many ups. just when they think they can lower the pressures on his vent, a bad blood gas comes back and they have to raise them up again. i'm getting really frustrated because i feel like they're trying to move him too fast. they get a good blood gas back, so they lower the pressure. then, instead of giving him some time to get used to that new pressure, they lower it again if the next blood gas will allow it. then, the next thing that happens is that the next blood gas is terrible, and they have to raise the pressures back up even higher than before. it's really pissing me off. it happens every fucking time. i know exactly what is going to happen, but they won't listen to me. i would much rather take some slow baby steps, rather than take one step forward TOO FAST, and then end up having to take two steps backwards. i really get frustrated with the doctors. yeah yeah yeah, i get it...you went to medical school, you're smarter than me, blah blah blah...shove it up your ass. but you know what? just because i didn't go to medical school doesn't mean that i'm an idiot. i went to an awesome college, graduated, went on to an extremely competitive phd program. okay yes, i dropped out of grad school because i hated it, but just the fact that i made it into that program shows that i have half a brain. i'm not stupid. i sit with Charlie ALL day, EVERY day. i am his mother...the only one he has. i see all the things that happen during his days and you really can learn a lot by observing and picking up on patterns. i feel like i should start writing down my predictions so then the doctors can see that i know what's going to happen in some instances.
looking back, i realize now that i was in extreme denial about Charlie. what was on my mind at this point was the intense worry about what his life would be like. would he be able to play sports? would he have learning disabilities? would he have to be on some kind of respiratory support? i was terrified about what his quality of life would be. i should have been worried about whether or not he was going to live. it's not that i didn't realize that death was a possibility, it's more like i was just too scared to even entertain that possibility. i couldn't even go there. i even said to my mom that i thought that if he was going to die he would have died already. i thought that we were somewhat "out of the woods" on the live or die question.
i think that it was at this point too that my anger started to build. anger and bitterness toward the whole world. why is Charlie sick? why can't i hold him? why does everyone else i know get to have a problem-free pregnancy and pop out a healthy baby? how come there are so many people who drink, smoke and do drugs while they are pregnant and they don't have any problem? why is this my life? why is this happening to me? more importantly, why is this happening to Charlie? i know that he is suffering and it is killing me to see it.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Friday, March 11, 2011
December 2007: Bad Day
i came into the NICU this morning and the second i looked at Charlie i knew something was wrong. he wouldn't open his eyes, he wasn't moving at all, he was just laying there. yesterday he had been doing so well...he was taking almost all his own breaths (lots of purple lines on the vent) and the pressures on the vent were the lowest they'd ever been. he was close to being moved to a cpap machine. today, he isn't taking any of his own breaths...none. they also had to raise the pressures on the vent. when i asked what the hell was going on they told me that early in the morning he had pulled the vent tube out (extubated himself), so they had to re-intubate him, and they gave him morphine to help with the pain of being intubated. i'm really worried, but they seem to think it's no biggie. he's just a completely different baby today. i knew the second i saw him that something was different. i don't like the morphine, i don't like what it does to him.
later in the day things got worse. Charlie stopped urinating. they don't know why, but every time they change his diaper they weigh it so they can keep track of input vs. output. he had dry diapers, so they ended up having to give him a diuretic, lasix. this started him peeing again, but as soon as they stop giving it to him he stops peeing.
i want to know what the fuck is going on. what is wrong with my son? the doctors seem to be getting more and more concerned, and they have no answers for us. i asked "hope-you-burn-in-hell" doctor if it was possible that all these things that are going on are just little quirks or coincidences that will all eventually resolve themselves. he said he doesn't think so. he thinks Charlie has some kind of disorder that is causing all this and they don't know what it is.
the geneticist has been in to see Charlie. they asked if i wanted to talk to him, and i asked if he had any answers for me. when they told me no i said that i didn't want to see him. i fucking hate this. something is wrong with my son and nobody can tell me what. nobody knows what is going on, or what the prognosis is. i hate this so much. i need to know. i need to know what is going to happen to Charlie.
the march of dimes woman keeps coming around to me. she's nice, but she keeps asking if i need any support and i just want to be left alone. she asked if i wanted to have a photo session with Charlie and then do some scrapbooking with the pictures. i said no. i'm too scared of taking pictures. what if the worst happens? i wouldn't ever be able to look at the pictures. i would hate myself for making a scrapbook when i should be by his side. i can't leave his side, but i'm so scared of getting close to him...getting attached.
i hate this.
later in the day things got worse. Charlie stopped urinating. they don't know why, but every time they change his diaper they weigh it so they can keep track of input vs. output. he had dry diapers, so they ended up having to give him a diuretic, lasix. this started him peeing again, but as soon as they stop giving it to him he stops peeing.
i want to know what the fuck is going on. what is wrong with my son? the doctors seem to be getting more and more concerned, and they have no answers for us. i asked "hope-you-burn-in-hell" doctor if it was possible that all these things that are going on are just little quirks or coincidences that will all eventually resolve themselves. he said he doesn't think so. he thinks Charlie has some kind of disorder that is causing all this and they don't know what it is.
the geneticist has been in to see Charlie. they asked if i wanted to talk to him, and i asked if he had any answers for me. when they told me no i said that i didn't want to see him. i fucking hate this. something is wrong with my son and nobody can tell me what. nobody knows what is going on, or what the prognosis is. i hate this so much. i need to know. i need to know what is going to happen to Charlie.
the march of dimes woman keeps coming around to me. she's nice, but she keeps asking if i need any support and i just want to be left alone. she asked if i wanted to have a photo session with Charlie and then do some scrapbooking with the pictures. i said no. i'm too scared of taking pictures. what if the worst happens? i wouldn't ever be able to look at the pictures. i would hate myself for making a scrapbook when i should be by his side. i can't leave his side, but i'm so scared of getting close to him...getting attached.
i hate this.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
December 2007: Big C et al
i'm starting to get to know the staff here in the NICU. there are over 100 nurses here though, so i only know a few of them. there are several doctors and i think i've met all of them. wait, rephrase...there are several attendings, all of whom i've met, but there are ton of other "doctors"....residents, interns, blah blah blah.
i definitely have my favorites and others that i don't like. of the doctors, i actually have to say that i like the foreign attendings much better than the americans. i don't know why this is, but they seem to be so much more caring and are actually LOOKING at Charlie, rather than just reading a chart. there is one guy here that i really have a problem with. he's such a pompous asshole. he walks around like he's god's gift to medicine. and i got PISSED the other day because i always try to be there when they round on the babies. they do it twice a day. anyway, this piece of shit doctor stood right at the front of the nursery for the "rounds", and didn't even go around and look at the babies. i don't think he gives two shits about these babies. i was sitting right there and he completely ignored me. i don't care who you think you are, i have a right to know what is going on with my son. and how can you possibly do your job well if you don't even look at your patients? observation is actually a very powerful tool. so he's the worst, and then i have two favorites. one of them is just an extremely caring, kind man who seems to take his time and genuinely be concerned about Charlie. the other is a bit of an odd duck, but i think he's an amazing doctor. i hope that these med students appreciate how lucky they are to round with him. it probably takes 3 times as long when he's doing rounds, but he is so thorough and really stops and thinks about each baby. as a mother, i couldn't ask for more (realistically) from a doctor.
the nurses have been wonderful. again, there's one woman that's really pissed me off. she's just been very disrespectful to jay and me. she ignores our questions, seems annoyed when we ask, and the thing that really got to me was the way that she was man-handling Charlie. he's so fragile and she was being extremely rough with him. jay and i were really mad, so he went and talked to one of the attendings and specifically asked that she never be assigned to Charlie again. the doctor said he would try to accomodate our request.
and theeeeennnnn.....there's big C. big C is a nurse (she has a name obviously, but i'm trying to keep it ocnfidential). anyway, big C is this big, older, black woman who scares the absolute hell out of me. she hasn't been on Charlie as of yet, but she's been on a couple of the other babies in our nursery. she's terrifying. i think this woman would take hell on with a 5-gallon bucket of water. she runs a damn tight ship, and she got on my case the other day because she didn't like where i was leaving my bag in the nursery. she told me to keep it closer to me. then, i got in trouble with her again because she saw that i was looking in the doctor's direction when they were talking about one of the other babies. she came over to me and said "do you have a question? did you need something". (keep in mind this is in a very intimidating voice). i didn't know what she was talking about so i just said no. then she said..."well i saw you looking at the doctors and thought you might need something. you know here in the NICU you have to 'not hear' what they are saying about the other babies. you just need to focus only on your baby." i felt like a 3rd-grader that had just been reprimanded for misbehaving.
so that's some of the staff. i will get to know these people more in the next several weeks...some of them i will never forget and they are more a part of my family than the people that i share blood with. others...i hope they rot in hell for the way they treated my son.
i definitely have my favorites and others that i don't like. of the doctors, i actually have to say that i like the foreign attendings much better than the americans. i don't know why this is, but they seem to be so much more caring and are actually LOOKING at Charlie, rather than just reading a chart. there is one guy here that i really have a problem with. he's such a pompous asshole. he walks around like he's god's gift to medicine. and i got PISSED the other day because i always try to be there when they round on the babies. they do it twice a day. anyway, this piece of shit doctor stood right at the front of the nursery for the "rounds", and didn't even go around and look at the babies. i don't think he gives two shits about these babies. i was sitting right there and he completely ignored me. i don't care who you think you are, i have a right to know what is going on with my son. and how can you possibly do your job well if you don't even look at your patients? observation is actually a very powerful tool. so he's the worst, and then i have two favorites. one of them is just an extremely caring, kind man who seems to take his time and genuinely be concerned about Charlie. the other is a bit of an odd duck, but i think he's an amazing doctor. i hope that these med students appreciate how lucky they are to round with him. it probably takes 3 times as long when he's doing rounds, but he is so thorough and really stops and thinks about each baby. as a mother, i couldn't ask for more (realistically) from a doctor.
the nurses have been wonderful. again, there's one woman that's really pissed me off. she's just been very disrespectful to jay and me. she ignores our questions, seems annoyed when we ask, and the thing that really got to me was the way that she was man-handling Charlie. he's so fragile and she was being extremely rough with him. jay and i were really mad, so he went and talked to one of the attendings and specifically asked that she never be assigned to Charlie again. the doctor said he would try to accomodate our request.
and theeeeennnnn.....there's big C. big C is a nurse (she has a name obviously, but i'm trying to keep it ocnfidential). anyway, big C is this big, older, black woman who scares the absolute hell out of me. she hasn't been on Charlie as of yet, but she's been on a couple of the other babies in our nursery. she's terrifying. i think this woman would take hell on with a 5-gallon bucket of water. she runs a damn tight ship, and she got on my case the other day because she didn't like where i was leaving my bag in the nursery. she told me to keep it closer to me. then, i got in trouble with her again because she saw that i was looking in the doctor's direction when they were talking about one of the other babies. she came over to me and said "do you have a question? did you need something". (keep in mind this is in a very intimidating voice). i didn't know what she was talking about so i just said no. then she said..."well i saw you looking at the doctors and thought you might need something. you know here in the NICU you have to 'not hear' what they are saying about the other babies. you just need to focus only on your baby." i felt like a 3rd-grader that had just been reprimanded for misbehaving.
so that's some of the staff. i will get to know these people more in the next several weeks...some of them i will never forget and they are more a part of my family than the people that i share blood with. others...i hope they rot in hell for the way they treated my son.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
December 2007: Where. The Hell. Am I?
it's amazing to me what time will do. while we were in the NICU, i just remember going through it and dealing with it because i had no other choice. now looking back, i realize just how awful, confusing and emotional it was.
i have suddenly been thrust into a world that i didn't even know existed. right now, i really just want to keep to myself. i've pretty much always been like this, but now more than ever i don't want to see anyone or talk to anyone. a lot of the people at the ronald mcdonald house and in the NICU have become friends and support one another, but i don't want this. this isn't the place for me to start making friends. i just want to come and go, unnoticed, and only be with Charlie. i don't want to see or hear anything other than my son.
so despite my desires to be left alone, people still talk to me. there is a woman at RMH that has been there for two months already. her baby was born in october and her original due date wasn't until february. at first i didn't even believe her because i didn't think that was possible. now i understand...he was a 23 weeker...there are many 23-weekers, some make it, some don't. RMH is filled with every emotion i've tried to avoid my whole life...sadness, anger, hope, frustration, confusion, and love. there are people there whose children are being treated for cancer...heart defects...premature birth...lung problems...intestinal problems...how can there be so many sick babies and children in just this small area?
if i think that RMH is a whole different world, nothing could have prepared me for the things i would encounter in the NICU. Charlie is hooked up to a ventilator. he was switched from the vent that does a lot of rapid pulses to a less intense one that is supposed to simulate real breathing better. this vent actually allows him to take some of his own breaths if he wants to. all the lines on the screen are green, except when Charlie tries to take his own breath, then there is a purple line. i am learning new terms left and right...o2 saturation, desat (desaturation...when his o2 saturation dips below an acceptable level), billirubin, jaundice, lung disease, mechonium, blood gases, pulmonary hypertension...
there are monitors and alarms constantly going off. if his o2 saturation drops below 88 for too long an alarm goes off. there are about 6 other babies in Charlie's nursery. the nurseries are numbered according to how bad your baby is. nurseries 1 and 2 are the bad ones -- you don't want to be here. however, all the babies start off here, no matter what their condition is. then, you progress up through the nurseries as your baby gets better and better until you eventually spring from the NICU. they told us that they usually tell parents to plan on their baby being in the NICU until its original due date, which for us would be mid-january. i couldn't believe that they thought Charlie might be there that long. however, they said that a lot of times they get out before the original due date, so i'm really hoping and assuming that we will all be home by christmas. what a perfect christmas present that would be -- all of us home.
i can't believe how many babies are here in the NICU. it seems that nearly all of them are here because of prematurity. some of them are so tiny...just over 1 pound. Charlie looks like a giant compared to some of these other babies. while most of them seem to be here because of prematurity, there are some others there too. the baby that shares Charlie's pod has such a sad story. his mother had actually decided to give him up for adoption before he was born. then, when he was born they discovered that he had had a stroke while still in the womb. i was there when he first came into the nursery, and that first day he just cried and cried and cried. it was such a different kind of cry though...someone later told me that it was a "neurologic cry". it's so weird to look at the difference between him and Charlie. at first, i thought i'd love it if Charlie had this other baby's vital signs...his respiratory rate was great, his o2 saturation was perfect, his heart rate is perfect (though Charlie's heart rate has been great this whole time). it just goes to show that you never know what's going on inside the body...this baby has great vitals, but from what i gather he has severe brain damage. they don't know yet the extent of the damage the stroke caused.
charlie seems to be doing okay...at this point everyone just thinks that he's a little premature and is just a little slow at getting better. one of the doctors told me that they were trying to get him off the vent within the next couple of days. apparently it can damage the lungs permenantly if he is on the vent too long. so...we just need to get him off the vent, get his jaundice resolved, get him eating...it will take a little while, but we're still really hoping for christmas.
i've basically planted myself right by Charlie's side. i get there around 10:00 in the morning, stay with him all day until about 8:00 or 9:00 at night, then go back to RMH, eat dinner, stay up until about 1:00 in the morning researching prematurity, then call the NICU to check on Charlie, then go to bed....then i wake up, and start the whole thing over again...
i have suddenly been thrust into a world that i didn't even know existed. right now, i really just want to keep to myself. i've pretty much always been like this, but now more than ever i don't want to see anyone or talk to anyone. a lot of the people at the ronald mcdonald house and in the NICU have become friends and support one another, but i don't want this. this isn't the place for me to start making friends. i just want to come and go, unnoticed, and only be with Charlie. i don't want to see or hear anything other than my son.
so despite my desires to be left alone, people still talk to me. there is a woman at RMH that has been there for two months already. her baby was born in october and her original due date wasn't until february. at first i didn't even believe her because i didn't think that was possible. now i understand...he was a 23 weeker...there are many 23-weekers, some make it, some don't. RMH is filled with every emotion i've tried to avoid my whole life...sadness, anger, hope, frustration, confusion, and love. there are people there whose children are being treated for cancer...heart defects...premature birth...lung problems...intestinal problems...how can there be so many sick babies and children in just this small area?
if i think that RMH is a whole different world, nothing could have prepared me for the things i would encounter in the NICU. Charlie is hooked up to a ventilator. he was switched from the vent that does a lot of rapid pulses to a less intense one that is supposed to simulate real breathing better. this vent actually allows him to take some of his own breaths if he wants to. all the lines on the screen are green, except when Charlie tries to take his own breath, then there is a purple line. i am learning new terms left and right...o2 saturation, desat (desaturation...when his o2 saturation dips below an acceptable level), billirubin, jaundice, lung disease, mechonium, blood gases, pulmonary hypertension...
there are monitors and alarms constantly going off. if his o2 saturation drops below 88 for too long an alarm goes off. there are about 6 other babies in Charlie's nursery. the nurseries are numbered according to how bad your baby is. nurseries 1 and 2 are the bad ones -- you don't want to be here. however, all the babies start off here, no matter what their condition is. then, you progress up through the nurseries as your baby gets better and better until you eventually spring from the NICU. they told us that they usually tell parents to plan on their baby being in the NICU until its original due date, which for us would be mid-january. i couldn't believe that they thought Charlie might be there that long. however, they said that a lot of times they get out before the original due date, so i'm really hoping and assuming that we will all be home by christmas. what a perfect christmas present that would be -- all of us home.
i can't believe how many babies are here in the NICU. it seems that nearly all of them are here because of prematurity. some of them are so tiny...just over 1 pound. Charlie looks like a giant compared to some of these other babies. while most of them seem to be here because of prematurity, there are some others there too. the baby that shares Charlie's pod has such a sad story. his mother had actually decided to give him up for adoption before he was born. then, when he was born they discovered that he had had a stroke while still in the womb. i was there when he first came into the nursery, and that first day he just cried and cried and cried. it was such a different kind of cry though...someone later told me that it was a "neurologic cry". it's so weird to look at the difference between him and Charlie. at first, i thought i'd love it if Charlie had this other baby's vital signs...his respiratory rate was great, his o2 saturation was perfect, his heart rate is perfect (though Charlie's heart rate has been great this whole time). it just goes to show that you never know what's going on inside the body...this baby has great vitals, but from what i gather he has severe brain damage. they don't know yet the extent of the damage the stroke caused.
charlie seems to be doing okay...at this point everyone just thinks that he's a little premature and is just a little slow at getting better. one of the doctors told me that they were trying to get him off the vent within the next couple of days. apparently it can damage the lungs permenantly if he is on the vent too long. so...we just need to get him off the vent, get his jaundice resolved, get him eating...it will take a little while, but we're still really hoping for christmas.
i've basically planted myself right by Charlie's side. i get there around 10:00 in the morning, stay with him all day until about 8:00 or 9:00 at night, then go back to RMH, eat dinner, stay up until about 1:00 in the morning researching prematurity, then call the NICU to check on Charlie, then go to bed....then i wake up, and start the whole thing over again...
Friday, March 4, 2011
December 2007: Day of life 1-4
oh god, where did i leave off? i had just had Charlie and they immediately took him away up to the NICU. i kept begging them to let me go see him, but i couldn't even get up without fainting so they wouldn't let me go. finally later that night they found a wheelchair and jay took me up.
seeing my baby in his pod...i didn't know what to do. i didn't know what to feel. i always had heard that you instantly are connected to your baby and instantly love them more than anything. honestly, i didn't feel like that. i felt weird. i looked at him and i didn't feel like his mom. i couldn't hold him, i could barely touch him. he didn't open his eyes for me so we couldn't look at each other. i was heartbroken. all this time i wanted so badly to be a mom, and now i was one, but i just didn't feel it. i was failing. i was looking at this little person, and i felt like i was completely failing him.
i'd never seen a NICU before...shit, i'd never even heard of the NICU until about 24 hours ago. there were so many monitors and alarms going off. it was so loud. my poor son was on a type of ventilator that did something like 100 little breaths per minute, so it was extremely loud. he had tubes and wires everywhere. he was so tiny.
the doctor came and talked to us. honestly, i don't even remember what she said. everything was such a blur. they were throwing all this information at us and using words and terminology i'd never heard before. it was like i wasn't processing anything they were telling me.
once we got back out into the hall ready to take the elevators i felt suddenly dizzy. jay said that i passed out again. he ran back into the NICU to get someone to help me. they actually just said, "oh, we don't do anything with adults, you better just take her back down to the maternity ward. i don't remember waking up until we were already back down there.
i got into bed and just went to sleep. i was exhausted...34 hours of labor, forceps delivery, 4th degree lacerations and my son in the NICU. i just prayed that when i woke up in the morning things would be different. my son would be totally fine and would be in the room with me and i would get to hold him.
the next day, my dreams from the night before didn't come true. i woke up to a cold, empty room. i called up to the NICU to check on Charlie, they told me more stuff i didn't comprehend. jay got to the hospital and knew that something was wrong with me. i wasn't very coherent...just kind of laid there, too exhausted to pick my head up. he said that i'd never looked so pale. a while later the doctor came in and said that my blood counts were very low and that they wanted to give me a transfusion. so...two units of blood later i started to perk up a little. theeeeeeennnnn the headache came. anyone who has had the epidural headache knows exactly what i'm talking about. uuugh, that awful, horrible headache that comes from the place where you had the epidural leaking cerebral spinal fluid (i think that's what happens with this headache). it wasn't too bad if i was laying flat, but as soon as i sat up i thought my head was exploding. the anethesiologist came in and talked to me about it. he said that they could put a patch in to seal the hole, but this procedure sounded worse than the epidural itself, so i opted to just load up on motrin. i was extremely worried about taking any drugs because i was worried about it getting into the breast milk i was trying to pump. what an idiot...i should have just taken the damn pain killers.
they wanted to send me home the next day, but i was still extremely unsteady on my feet, so i said i wasn't comfortable leaving. they let me stay an extra day...thank you insurance, how generous. i'm positive that whoever makes up these insurance policies has never had a baby. same thing with whatever jackass decided that speed bumps in a hospital parking lot were a good idea. try going over those after you've just had a baby.
i was released on friday. i was scared. i didn't know what to do. we lived over an hour away from the hospital and Charlie was still in the NICU. no one knew at that time just how serious his condition was. they thought we were only going to be there a few days. the nurses were nice enough to get me the phone number for the local ronald mcdonald house. i called them and luckily they had an open room. jay drove me home to pack some things, and then we drove back up to the hospital, checked into the ronald mcdonald house, took a nap, and then went back over to see Charlie.
i was starting to feel more like a mom. it wasn't the start to motherhood that i wanted, but i was starting to feel more and more attached to Charlie. he had opened his eyes a few times and i was able to smile at him. i still hadn't been able to hold him yet though. i was desperate to, but i knew that i just couldn't...he was too unstable. but i was starting to see where this little baby could become the love of my life...my reason for waking up.
seeing my baby in his pod...i didn't know what to do. i didn't know what to feel. i always had heard that you instantly are connected to your baby and instantly love them more than anything. honestly, i didn't feel like that. i felt weird. i looked at him and i didn't feel like his mom. i couldn't hold him, i could barely touch him. he didn't open his eyes for me so we couldn't look at each other. i was heartbroken. all this time i wanted so badly to be a mom, and now i was one, but i just didn't feel it. i was failing. i was looking at this little person, and i felt like i was completely failing him.
i'd never seen a NICU before...shit, i'd never even heard of the NICU until about 24 hours ago. there were so many monitors and alarms going off. it was so loud. my poor son was on a type of ventilator that did something like 100 little breaths per minute, so it was extremely loud. he had tubes and wires everywhere. he was so tiny.
the doctor came and talked to us. honestly, i don't even remember what she said. everything was such a blur. they were throwing all this information at us and using words and terminology i'd never heard before. it was like i wasn't processing anything they were telling me.
once we got back out into the hall ready to take the elevators i felt suddenly dizzy. jay said that i passed out again. he ran back into the NICU to get someone to help me. they actually just said, "oh, we don't do anything with adults, you better just take her back down to the maternity ward. i don't remember waking up until we were already back down there.
i got into bed and just went to sleep. i was exhausted...34 hours of labor, forceps delivery, 4th degree lacerations and my son in the NICU. i just prayed that when i woke up in the morning things would be different. my son would be totally fine and would be in the room with me and i would get to hold him.
the next day, my dreams from the night before didn't come true. i woke up to a cold, empty room. i called up to the NICU to check on Charlie, they told me more stuff i didn't comprehend. jay got to the hospital and knew that something was wrong with me. i wasn't very coherent...just kind of laid there, too exhausted to pick my head up. he said that i'd never looked so pale. a while later the doctor came in and said that my blood counts were very low and that they wanted to give me a transfusion. so...two units of blood later i started to perk up a little. theeeeeeennnnn the headache came. anyone who has had the epidural headache knows exactly what i'm talking about. uuugh, that awful, horrible headache that comes from the place where you had the epidural leaking cerebral spinal fluid (i think that's what happens with this headache). it wasn't too bad if i was laying flat, but as soon as i sat up i thought my head was exploding. the anethesiologist came in and talked to me about it. he said that they could put a patch in to seal the hole, but this procedure sounded worse than the epidural itself, so i opted to just load up on motrin. i was extremely worried about taking any drugs because i was worried about it getting into the breast milk i was trying to pump. what an idiot...i should have just taken the damn pain killers.
they wanted to send me home the next day, but i was still extremely unsteady on my feet, so i said i wasn't comfortable leaving. they let me stay an extra day...thank you insurance, how generous. i'm positive that whoever makes up these insurance policies has never had a baby. same thing with whatever jackass decided that speed bumps in a hospital parking lot were a good idea. try going over those after you've just had a baby.
i was released on friday. i was scared. i didn't know what to do. we lived over an hour away from the hospital and Charlie was still in the NICU. no one knew at that time just how serious his condition was. they thought we were only going to be there a few days. the nurses were nice enough to get me the phone number for the local ronald mcdonald house. i called them and luckily they had an open room. jay drove me home to pack some things, and then we drove back up to the hospital, checked into the ronald mcdonald house, took a nap, and then went back over to see Charlie.
i was starting to feel more like a mom. it wasn't the start to motherhood that i wanted, but i was starting to feel more and more attached to Charlie. he had opened his eyes a few times and i was able to smile at him. i still hadn't been able to hold him yet though. i was desperate to, but i knew that i just couldn't...he was too unstable. but i was starting to see where this little baby could become the love of my life...my reason for waking up.
Present Day: Sorry Ellen
okay...i owe ellen degeneres an apology. the other day i went on a bit of a rant with my post about not liking who she chose to give a car and money to. that wasn't very nice of me. i let jealousy get the best of me...not the first time, nor the last...
anyway, i was watching ellen today and i just took a step back and remembered why i started watching it in the first place. it just gives me a semi-break from all the pain. for a few minutes, i get a little lost in just watching something totally meaningless (not that her show is meaningless, but i usually don't feel like crap after watching it).
so, sorry ED...i hope we can still be friends :)
anyway, i was watching ellen today and i just took a step back and remembered why i started watching it in the first place. it just gives me a semi-break from all the pain. for a few minutes, i get a little lost in just watching something totally meaningless (not that her show is meaningless, but i usually don't feel like crap after watching it).
so, sorry ED...i hope we can still be friends :)
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Present Day: Ellen D
she's not aware of this, but ellen degeneres and i are best friends. so it's kind of a one-way friendship, but that's okay. what could be better? she's been there for me through really bad times, and i don't even have to get her a birthday present.
for a while there i broke up with ellen (for reasons that i'll get into later). however, i've recently decided to take her back and so i've been dvr'ing her show every day. i really love her show most of the time. so since we're best friends, i feel the obligation to give some criticism. again, what could be better? i can criticize all i want, and we don't get into a fight!
so the other day she was showing her "big truckin deal" and i got really mad at who she decided to bless with a new car and $10,000. it was a woman who sent in a video saying that she was in school and gotten pregnant by her boyfriend (fiance maybe, i don't know). the school didn't like this so they took away her scholarship and she and her partner have been struggling to make ends meet. then their car keeps breaking down so she was asking ellen for help. that's it? seriously, that's your sob story? you seem like a nice girl, but i have friends in my support group who would eat your story for a morning snack. ellen, i know it's your money to do what you please with, but damn dude, can't you find someone else who's having just a little bit rougher go of things? this woman got pregnant accidentally, and i'm in over $25,000 just trying to have a baby (ivf is a miracle, but it's also really frigging expensive). okay, let's not talk about me because i feel like a real ass saying i'm more deserving. what about the thousands of other people that are in debt up to their eyeballs trying to pay for fertility treatments, or trying to pay for the medical bills that come with having an unhealthy baby. i know there's millions of other situations that people are in, but my whole life revolves around having babies, so....
this brings me to reasons #67 and #68 that i'm going to hell....#67...it's ellen's money, not mine. she can do whatever she wants with it and it's not up to me to decide who to bestow kindness on. who am i to say that one person is more deserving than another? reason #68...i never stop to think that maybe other people have a story too. maybe this woman she gave the car and money to has had a lot of other problems that we don't know about. you NEVER know what someone has either gone through or is going through. if you look at me walking down the street you'd never know that i have three babies that have died.
my head tells me that i need to be much more understanding about stuff like this, but i'm human, and my heart kicks in, and jealousy raises its ugly head. the jealousy of this woman having a healthy baby and not having to work her ass off for it, not having to endure pure misery just to get there. she caught a break that ellen found her story compelling enough to give her stuff. jealousy. no wonder it's one of the 7 deadly sins.
for a while there i broke up with ellen (for reasons that i'll get into later). however, i've recently decided to take her back and so i've been dvr'ing her show every day. i really love her show most of the time. so since we're best friends, i feel the obligation to give some criticism. again, what could be better? i can criticize all i want, and we don't get into a fight!
so the other day she was showing her "big truckin deal" and i got really mad at who she decided to bless with a new car and $10,000. it was a woman who sent in a video saying that she was in school and gotten pregnant by her boyfriend (fiance maybe, i don't know). the school didn't like this so they took away her scholarship and she and her partner have been struggling to make ends meet. then their car keeps breaking down so she was asking ellen for help. that's it? seriously, that's your sob story? you seem like a nice girl, but i have friends in my support group who would eat your story for a morning snack. ellen, i know it's your money to do what you please with, but damn dude, can't you find someone else who's having just a little bit rougher go of things? this woman got pregnant accidentally, and i'm in over $25,000 just trying to have a baby (ivf is a miracle, but it's also really frigging expensive). okay, let's not talk about me because i feel like a real ass saying i'm more deserving. what about the thousands of other people that are in debt up to their eyeballs trying to pay for fertility treatments, or trying to pay for the medical bills that come with having an unhealthy baby. i know there's millions of other situations that people are in, but my whole life revolves around having babies, so....
this brings me to reasons #67 and #68 that i'm going to hell....#67...it's ellen's money, not mine. she can do whatever she wants with it and it's not up to me to decide who to bestow kindness on. who am i to say that one person is more deserving than another? reason #68...i never stop to think that maybe other people have a story too. maybe this woman she gave the car and money to has had a lot of other problems that we don't know about. you NEVER know what someone has either gone through or is going through. if you look at me walking down the street you'd never know that i have three babies that have died.
my head tells me that i need to be much more understanding about stuff like this, but i'm human, and my heart kicks in, and jealousy raises its ugly head. the jealousy of this woman having a healthy baby and not having to work her ass off for it, not having to endure pure misery just to get there. she caught a break that ellen found her story compelling enough to give her stuff. jealousy. no wonder it's one of the 7 deadly sins.
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